Criminal prosecution 101: How to battle corruption; Nigerian Style! 

Before I dive into the substance of this article, kindly allow me sound a note of warning… This article is not for everyone, this article is strictly for certain persons. And by certain persons, I mean the Prosecutors and the Battlers of the endemic disease; corruption, which has eaten into the fabric of our society as Nigerians.  Also, this article is for persons who want to be Prosecutors and battlers of corruption or if you like, persons who want to learn how to prosecute high profile criminal cases Nigerian Style.

Follow these tips religiously and as often as you please, and all will be well with you. Shalom. 

The first thing you must do if you want to successfully battle corruption and prosecute high profile criminal cases in Nigeria is to go and ‘Bust’ them; the criminals, in their respective homes in the dead of the night commando style. (After you must have done your “investigation” of course). These so called criminals, looters of our collective wealth, thieves all of them. They should not be allowed to escape the wrath of the law. 

Now, when you do this, do not avert your mind to the rule of law, democracy, due process, equality before the law and the likes, those are kumbaya concepts and they exist only in vacuum. This is Nigeria and we do as we want. Just ask El Zakzaky and Sambo Dasuki; all you need to do is ‘Invite’ them for questioning, hold them incommunicado and grill them (yes, you must grill them o otherwise… ) for one week then they’ll know you mean business.

Quick tip: See ehn, in this kind of operation, the media is your best friend. Generate furore. Tell them you recovered so so so and so amount of money in naira or dollars in the “criminal’s” bedroom, soakaway, water tank whichever one works for you. Give them tidbits of the full picture and let their creative minds go to work.

The next thing you’ll want to do is draft a hundred count charge. Don’t worry… The higher the number of offences you charge them with, the higher your chances of securing a conviction. Forget all those alakowe charge and bail lawyers shouting proof. Proof? What is proof? They think they’re the only ones that knows the law? You just file those hundred counts anyhow anyhow, e bad as e bad, one out of the 100 go catch am sha ni.

Quick tip: It’s not enough that you’re working, the people must know you’re working.  And how will the people know that you’re working if they don’t know you’re working? Simple. You leak it. You gotta let the people try the case and hand you your judgement even before you enter the court of law. The more outraged  the common man, the more your chances of securing a conviction in court.

When you get to court, just call your witnesses, let them come and tell the court the truth of the matter. You don’t even need to prepare them for questioning or have a trial plan you’ll adhere to. Afterall, the truth as they say must surely prevail and liars, all of them,  they go to hellfire.

Upon cross examination when defence counsel destroys your witnesses in the box, do not panic, maintain philosophical calmness. All you need do is establish a prima facie case for them to answer to. Damn their no case submission, hundred count charge still popping.

Quick tip: Peradventure hundred count does not pop, it’s still not yet time to panic. Just call the media and say some choice words to them. Who section 27 RPC epp? Talk to the media! Tell them!!  Tell it all to them!!! Tell them that the judiciary has been compromised and that was how you lost your case. Tell them that the bench is corrupt and that you’ve already filed an appeal against the decision of the trial court. Yes, we both know that filing a notice of appeal does not equate to entering an appeal simpliciter but the people don’t need to know that. All they need to know is that you’ve filed an appeal shikena. Hook, line and sinker, na so dem go chop am. Let their twitter fingers go to war against corruption.

Now, all of these will have been a long day’s job.  So at the end of it, you’ll need to sit back, sip moringa, odekwu or whatever your poison is and enjoy the circus while it lasts. 

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4 thoughts on “Criminal prosecution 101: How to battle corruption; Nigerian Style! 

  1. Crafty. Intuitive. Witty. Unconventionally conventional. This piece exposes the jankara style of going about prosecutions in nigeria. Do I want to follow suit? I want to be part of the development of the Nigeria legal system.

    Liked by 1 person

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